The tale of the Hollow Vicar

a moral story with rats in

Once upon a time, there was a young family of rats who lived in the undergrowth in between the railway track and the tomato factory. Father Griselberry would go hunting tomatoes for his family whilst his wife Mother Corrosion would tend to their children. And what children they were. Beelzebub and his twin sister Saucepan were growing into big strapping rats who would often wrestle with Big Things and give them a proper bashing. They rarely paid any attention to Nasalfilip, their baby brother, as they thought that he was a pansy. They thought that he couldnt wrestle a piece of cucumber without sustaining major injuries.

One day, young Nasalfilip slipped out from his mothers apron, and wandered outside the nest to seek his fortune, taking with him only what he owned: a small piece of cheese. As he reached the edge of the undergrowth, he heard a flapping sound above him, and he looked up to see a Panicking Gannet, cascading downwards, closely followed by a Salivating Wolf.

Help me, help me, cried the Panicking Gannet as it crashed to the ground in a pile of blood and feathers (which someone had left there the previous week), Im being pursued by a Salivating Wolf, who wants to eat me whole.
What, said Nasalfilip, including your beak?
I suppose so, flapped the Panicking Gannet.
Wouldnt your beak be a bit crunchy for a wolf? asked Nasalfilip.
Hmm, maybe it would, continued the Panicking Gannet, I hadnt thought of that. Maybe he would eat all of me except for my beak.
He could soak it in vinegar I suppose, mused Nasalfilip, that would soften it up a little.
Yes, maybe, the Panicking Gannet continued. Anyway, the long and short of it, is that I have a broken wing, and the wolf can fly faster than me and so Im going to end up wolfmeat.
Isnt that meat made from wolves? asked Nasalfilip.
Is dogmeat made from dogs? asked the Panicking Gannet.
Yup, answered Nasalfilip.
Oh, said the Panicking Gannet, I didnt know that. Anyway, the wolf wants to eat me.
Here, hide under this piece of cheese, said Nasalfilip, offering a small yellow wedge to the bird.
Thanks, mewed the Panicking Gannet, placing the cheese on its back.
Just then, the Salivating Wolf arrived. It salivated. Rrrggghh, it asked whilst continuing to salivate wildly.
No, no, not seen any Panicking Gannets around here, replied Nasalfilip.
Rrrgh? said the wolf, pointing with a saliva soaked paw at a Panicking Gannet with cheese on its back.
Yes, the cheese has got a broken wing hasnt it? agreed Nasalfilip, thats why I got it cheap.
The wolf salivated big lots.
Rrrrgh?
Double Gloucester.
Rrrrghhyyyuck.
Too bad. Cant get enough of it myself. Oh well.
The Salivating Wolf looked dejected. Dejected and hungry. It turned its gaze from the cheese to Nasalfilip. And drooled like only wolves can.
Rrrrrrrggggh,
Me? No, you cant eat me, said Nasalfilip. Im a vegetarian.
The Salivating Wolf thought about this for a few moments, and it made him salivate. Luckily wolves are naturally stupid creatures who are easily confused, and the Salivating Wolf was no exception. He turned to go.
But then he was suddenly very clever by accident, and realised that Nasalfilip had fooled him, and he turned back to face the trembling rat. He opened his enormous jaws, and drooled slobbering saliva everywhere. By now, he had actually created a pool of saliva, which he promptly drowned in.
Rrrrggggglugluglughhhh.

Phew, that was close, squeaked Nasalfilip to his avian friend.
Yes, replied the Panicking Gannet. Anyway young Nasalfilip, as I guess thats your name, probly, I suppose that you are off to seek your fortune and find gold arent you?
Something like that, said Nasalfilip. Probably the rat equivalent of gold which is rolypolypudding.
Made out of a kitten?
Yes, thats right. So, I was off to find a kitten to make into a rolypolypudding. The thing is though, Beelzebub and Saucepan say that Im a pansy who couldnt wrestle a slice of cucumber. Or at least, not without getting beaten up.
Time for some cheese, said the Panicking Gannet, eating the cheese.
You Gannet, squeaked Nasalfilip. Anyway, lets mend your wing, so we can get on with whatever, as Im getting bored, and youve eaten all my cheese.
The rat and the Panicking Gannet spent all night weaving grass and (soggy) wolf fur into a perfect new wing.
How are we going to attach this new wing to the rest of you? asked Nasalfilip, holding up the unlikely looking flying device constructed from grass and wolf.
Just then a small voice piped up from down by Nasalfilips ankles.
Excuse me, spindly spindly, I think I can be of assistance here...
Nasalfilip looked down, and saw a small hairy spider, who he knew to be Jeff Spider.
Aaaggh, a spider, squawked the Panicking Gannet. Quick tread on it.
Its only a spider, Gannet....
But I hate spiders. Theyre hairy.
Well, said Nasalfilip, so are rats.
Yes, but, but spiders are all spindly. And theyve got too many legs. And they scuttle.
Oh youre just being silly, said Nasalfilip, its only a harmless little spider...
And they smell.
No they dont.
They DO...
Okay, what do they smell of?
Er, liquorice.
The spider kicked the Panicking Gannet when Nasalfilip wasnt looking.
Ow. It kicked me. The spider kicked me.
I never did, said Jeff Spider innocently.
Did too. Look Nasalfilip, cant you just squash it or something, or flush it down the toilet...
Look Gannet, Jeff Spider has come to help us, he can spin a wondrous wing weaving web.
Sright, said Jeff Spider. Not sure if I want to do it now though, not after what that ugly Gannet said about me, spindly spindly.
Look, flapped the Panicking Gannet, shuttup you hairy arachnid before I rip your legs off.
You wouldnt dare, taunted Jeff Spider. Everyone knows that your race are spineless cowards who spend their lives in a panic. Spindly spindly.
Snot true. Snot, panicked the Panicking Gannet.
Yes it is true, continued Jeff. And you wet your nests (spindly spindly), you spineless incontinent OUCH.
At least Ive got legs, said the Panicking Gannet.
You swine, shouted Jeff Spider. Now Im only a dot.
Look, interjected Nasalfilip, this bickering is getting us nowhere. Jeff Spider, sew the Gannets wing back on.
Okey Dokey, said Jeff Spider as he rolled towards the Gannet.
The Panicking Gannet panicked: But, but, but he is still a spider....
Just pretend that hes a sultana or something, suggested Nasalfilip who was quite eager for the story to progress.
With a deft move, Jeff Spider fired a sticky strand onto the Gannet, and pulled himself upwards, towards the underside of the broken wing. Much spinning and webbing later, he had sewn the prosthetic wing onto the Panicking Gannet. And subtly sewn its beak shut too, when it wasnt looking.
Mmff Mmff. Mfy bfeakff fhut. Fbindly bafstufd.
Spindly spindly.
Shut up you two, squeaked Nasalfilip, we have work to do. We must find a kitten and make a rolypolypudding before teatime.
I know where theres a kitten, said Jeff.
Havent you forgotten something?
What.....? Oh yes, spindly spindly. Anyway, a kitten. At the vicars house. His wife has loads of them, she loves cats. Spindly.
She likes cats? asked Nasalfilip, slightly bemused. What a very strange person.
She is a very strange person, agreed Jeff Spider. She also performs conjuring tricks with beer, and makes pots out of clay. Shes a sort of...
... alemagic ceramicist? suggested Nasalfilip.
Something along those lines, agreed Jeff Spider. Anyway, she lives at the vicarage, just across the river.
But how will us land bound creatures (one without legs) ever get across the river? asked Nasalfilip.
Mmff, Mmff.
Of course, said Nasalfilip untying his friends beak, the Panicking Gannet can fly us across. Climb aboard, Jeff Spider.
And so the rat and the spider climbed onto the Panicking Gannets back, and the three friends soured high into the sky.
Shall we sing a song? suggested Nasalfilip.
No, replied the others in unison. Rats are well known for being lousy singers.
As they touched down in the vicarage garden on the other side of the river, they heard the furry sound of nearby footpads.
Hark, said Nasalfilip....
I was thinking actually, started the Panicking Gannet all of a flurry, that I might leave you here. I promised Mrs Gannet that I wouldnt be late home....
Youre scared more like, mocked Jeff Spider. Scared of a little kitten.
Am not, quivered the Panicking Gannet, Im not scared of anything, me....
Yes you are, look, youve wet yourself. Look everyone, the Gannet has wet himself.
Have Not. Its, er, raining. Thats all. Raining.
No, mocked the spider provocationally, youve wet yourself. Thats wee, that is.
Im telling you, its rain...ulp
Mroowwwllll.... mroowwwlllled the cat aggressively as the friends scattered. Nasalfilip watched as the Panicking Gannet soared into the sky, and Jeff Spider rolled leglessly across the lawn, too small to be seen by the kitten.

The kitten turned menacingly towards Nasalfilip.
Mew,
Terror shot through the veins of poor Nasalfilip, and he ran with the strength of a dozen rats for all that he was worth.
Mew.
The evil fiend was gaining ground fast. Nasalfilip spotted a mulberry bush a few yards away. This would be his only hope of survival. He moved up a gear, and ran for his life towards the putrid shrub.
Mew.
As Nasalfilip was just about to reach the bush, the kitten jumped straight over his head, and clouted him with a playful paw. Nasalfilip froze with pure unadulterated fear.
Mew.
The vicious beast prowled around its prey, licking its lips, and purring a deep contented pur. Suddenly the kitten looked up, as a woman strode into view. Her arms were covered with clay, and she was somehow making cans of lager disappear into thin air. The vicars wife, thought Nasalfilip. The kitten walked towards her displaying a mixture of guilt and affection.
Nasalfilip spotted his chance, and scuttled across the lawn away from the kitten.
A RAT, screamed the vicars wife, GETTIM TOM.
Oh bugger, thought Nasalfilip as he hotfooted it towards the vicarage, the pursuing kitten hot on his tail.
He rounded the corner by the shrubbery, and ran into the vicar himself, who was tending to his crocuses. As Nasalfilip picked himself up, he realised that he had run into a dead end. He turned to see the cat approaching slowly, an evil glint in its eye. Nasalfilip retreated under the vicars holy robes, and prayed that the kitten would not notice him.
The titten paunced,
Nasalfilip skremed. He had nowhere to run. A hungry kitten flying towards him, vicars legs either side of him, and a brick wall behind him. Nasalfilip did the only thing that a rat in his situation could do. He jumped upwards....
....and hit nothing. He found himself scrambling onto a small chair, surrounded by levers, buttons and small television screens monitoring the world outside. He saw the kitten look confused, clean himself briefly, and then decide to chase a nearby butterfly.

Well Ill be blowed, thought Nasalfilip, a hollow vicar.

Gingerly, he reached forward and pulled on one of the levers. With a jolt, the vicar juddered forwards. He pressed a small button which lit up momentarily. The vicar smiled and said something about more tea, and chocolate hob nobs. Nasalfilip flicked a switch, and the vicar started rambling incoherently about flocks, temptation, and daily bread. Nasalfilip flicked the switch off again.
By now the butterfly had long escaped the kitten, who had turned his attention to subduing a leaf. The leaf was proving to be a worthy opponent, moving whenever the kitten nudged it. After a while, the kitten opted to sit a couple of inches away from the stationary leaf, poised and ready to pounce, lest the leaf try to escape its destiny. Although the kittens attentions were fully focused upon the leaf, he noticed the vicar lumbering towards him, wielding a copy of the Bible.
Nasalfilip was enjoying himself. He had become quite adept at controlling the vicar, and felt confident that he could Biblebash the cat into unconsciousness. He noticed the kittens slightly disturbed expression, and plodded forward, as menacingly as he could. He pulled a lever, and the vicar raised the Bible high above the kittens head. The kitten mewed, sensing that something was not right....the vicar didnt normally do this.
If only my brother and sister could see me now, thought Nasalfilip, they would never again call me a pansy. He pulled another lever to bring the book down upon the cats head...
...and his seat gave way underneath him, dropping him down to the ground. He landed in front of the startled kitten in a heap.
Mew.
By the time he realised what was happening, the kitten was upon him, pinning him to the floor.
Mew.
The kitten raised up one furry paw, and flexed his sharp claws in front of Nasalfilips cowering face. Nasalfilip watched the mechanical vicar teeter above them, quite out of control.
Mew.
The kitten opened its jaws, in order to maim poor Nasalfilip. The sky grew dark as the hollow vicar fell towards them...
In a flurry of fur and feathers, Nasalfilip found himself being carried into the sky by a Gannet who was quite clearly in a state of Panic.
Phew, said Nasalfilip. I thought I was a goner there. I wouldnt mind so much being pulled to shreds by a hungry tom, but being squashed by a vicar, its, well, embarrassing isnit?

Way down below them, a legless spider was busy spinning a silvery yarn around a concussed kitten. Next to them a vicar was lying on the ground mumbling about psalms. He had smoke coming out of him.
The vicars wife arrived, still performing beer tricks, to see a rat carrying off a tied up Tom Kitten. Nasalfilip flashed her a large yellow smile. She magically produced a notepad from a beer glass, and scribbled something down. Looking up again at the rat and the kitten, she noticed that they were followed by a hysterical gannet, and a hairy sultana. She shook her head and scribbled out whatever she had written.


Nasalfilip never did make his rolypolypudding. In fact he became a prominent research scientist, studying the phenomenon of cot deaths. As time passed, his brother and sister came to accept him, as although he still couldnt cut it in a fist fight, he made a worthwhile contribution to society, and made the world a better place to live in.
Tom Kitten went back to live at the vicarage, where the vicars wife had taken to writing books about flopsy bunnies or somesuch, as she saved up to buy a new vicar.
Jeff Spider did in time grow some new legs, and as his legs grew, so did his friendship with the Panicking Gannet. They are now regular squash partners.
Father Griselberry and Mother Corrosion both died, which was a good job, as nobody really liked them much anyway.


THE END