nik newark

The Bat and the Teapot

Once upon a time in the land of Po, lived a King and a Queen. They ruled over the land of Po with a kind hand, and the people of Po loved them. One morning, the Queen was making breakfast for the King. She'd cut him a slice of bread, with butter and marmalade (which some people these days prefer instead), and was boiling the kettle for a cup of tea.
She reached down the big brown teapot from the highest shelf, and lifted its lid, and, out flew something flappy. She blinked. She rubbed her eyes. And there it was; a small fuzzy fruitbat. Called Jeremy.
“Hello, your majesty”, said Jeremy the fruitbat, ” I'm Jeremy the fruitbat and I've been living in your teapot”
“Pleased to make your acquaintance Jeremy”, said the Queen, “I'm very sorry for disturbing you, but I'm afraid that you can't go on living there, as I'm about to make a cup of tea for the King”.
“Oh dear”, said Jeremy, his wings deflated, “I'll need to find somewhere else to live”.
And with that, he flapped off to look for a new home.
By now, the kettle was boiling, and the Queen reached out for the tea caddy. She opened it, and, disaster! There were no tealeaves left in the caddy. Worse still, there were no tealeaves left in the palace. And even worse still, there were no tealeaves left in the entire kingdom.
“Oh whatever shall I do?” cried the Queen, dropping to her knees, sobbing.
Just then, she felt a small pair of feet land on her shoulder, and a fuzzy wing wiped away her tears.
“Don't worry, your majesty”, said Jeremy, “I'm from Ceylon, where they grow lots of tea. I can fly back to Ceylon, and pick you some nice fresh tea.”
“Oh would you?” said the Queen, “and while you're gone, I'll find you a nice place to live!”
So Jeremy the fruitbat flew out of the window, in the direction of Ceylon, and the Queen decided to make some coffee instead.

Some time later, in the faraway land of Ceylon, Jeremy was flying over a paddy field. Then he remembered that was where rice was grown, so he flew to a tea field instead. But, when he got to the tea field, there was no tea to be seen, just a rather sorry looking dog.
“That's strange”, thought Jeremy, “I wonder if it has all been picked. Perhaps that dog knows something”
“I'm a rabbit”, said the dog.
Jeremy decided that the dog would not be a good source of clues, and so he decided to fly to the PG Tips factory.
When he arrived at the factory, he beat his wings on the door furiously. Presently, the door opened, and a gaggle of chimpanzees looked out.
“'Ere, fancy a cuppa, love”, said a chimp wearing a headscarf.
“One lump or two?”, said a chimp wearing a bowler hat.
“I come by Royal Appointment from the land of Po, and I need to speak to the General Manager urgently.” said Jeremy, importantly.
The chimpanzees looked at each other.
“You need to speak to Brooke Bond, the Chimp Executive Officer of PG Tips”, said the chimp in the headscarf.
“And, that's me!”, said the chimp in the bowler hat.
“Good morning sir”, said Jeremy. “I have been sent by the Queen of Po, to fetch some tealeaves for the royal cuppa. It is a most serious matter”.
The chimps looked at each other.
“I'm afraid we have no tealeaves left at all”, replied Brooke Bond. “It has all been despatched to England, where it is reputed that they drink 48 billion gallons of tea per day. Each. Mostly between three and four in the afternoon.”
“However”, the chimp continued, “we do have a nearly inexhaustible supply of teabags, which you are welcome to take with you.”
So, the chimps tied the teabags to a piece of string, which Jeremy grabbed in his mouth and flew all the way back to the land of Po, dragging the tealeaves behind him.

When he arrived back at the castle, it was almost three o'clock, and the Queen was preparing afternoon tea. She had baked some scones, and made some little cucumber sandwiches. She was about to make some lime cordial as a tea substitute, when she saw Jeremy fly through the window with his string of teabags. “Why, Jeremy, you've arrived just in time!” she exclaimed, “and I've found you a perfect place to live!”
“Thank you your majesty”, said Jeremy, looking around.
“Yes,” continued the Queen. “The big brown teapot, on the highest shelf. Now that we have teabags, I can make the King's tea in a mug, and I need never use the teapot again”
Jeremy was so happy, that he flapped up to the highest shelf, and flew into the teapot for a good sleep. He was so happy to be back in his teapot. The King was so happy with his cup of tea (and his mood was so lifted that in fact, that several major wars were averted that day). The Queen was so happy to have made everyone else so happy.
And do you know? They all lived happily ever after.
THE END

Until one day, the Queen's Evil Aunty Peg made everyone a cup of tea using the brown teapot from the highest shelf, and poured boiling water into the teapot, killing Jeremy instantly.